Clowns

I was so jealous of the clown

of my lover's new surround

he was gone and past away

from my heart.

I could not make a sound

I was jealous of my own clown

that the clowns would fall in love

my previous' husband's and my own's

I can't understand the distance

that we share as set apart

it is beyond the major similarities

granted as we bond

All the differences amending

the imperative mistakes

of our patterns such we follow

to avoid all the commands.

We wanted to be free

from the secrets that we have

but the secrecy

you and me

is what have us so connect.

People think we have disease

and we must accept all things

as the worst is the join division

saying we must work for free

They say I am not so special

to have prosthesis that others don't

They say I should be worried 

with the horrors of the hurt

They say I shouldn't dream of love

love is a matter of emotion

and I am way too cemented

to belong to a real sensation.

Pain has condensed my heart, they say

and now I can't embrace

anyone I want to stay.

Even if I were good enough

the heart won't suffice the plot

you are either too huge

you are either too small.

You never show up to hold my hand

my eyes are always heavy

my chest is always blury

my womb is always fury

and baby, I am so lonely

I am always so lonely

remembering a consented rape

interleaved with a dream of abuse and cold.

Sometimes it is "work"

I should be proud

but it pays your friends 

with my money.

Luv,

Thaís Fernanda Ortiz de Moraes